Internal Memo: How to understand me better…

You know you're Australian if …
*  You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

*  You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

*  You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount

vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

*  You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil

case when he first attends school.

*  You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans

"rooting" for something.

*  You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black

thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

*  You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bn'.

*  You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

*  You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

 *  You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to


*  You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its

highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

*  You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,

truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

*  You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

*  You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

*  You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's

twice as big as its $2 coin.

*  You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but

'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

*  You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast

spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little

Vegemite worms.

*  You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they

stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

 * Hamburger with Beetroot? Of course!

*  You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any

rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.

*  You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has

become smaller with every passing year.

 *  You wear ugh boots outside the house.
*  You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by

an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

*  You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you

like them.

*  Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order

takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

*  You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is

always polite.

*  You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

*  You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to

handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

*  Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for

beach cricket.

*  You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they

call 'Anzac cookies'.

*  You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

*  You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black

tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

*  You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

*  When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the

need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
*  You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in

-o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo,

smoko, speedo, righto etc.

 *  You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located

in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.

*  You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it

tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

*  You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the

summer. Maybe even as perfume.

*  You've only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet

– to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you

REALLY mean it.

*  You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.

 *  You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

*  You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.

*  You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

*  You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.

*  You know you that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.

*  You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Strayla" and that's ok.

*  And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

 With thanks to Aussie neighbor Rob.


How Australia managed to miss the recession…

China. In a word. We dig it up, China buys it. 

Being back in Australia earlier this month it was interesting to be in a recession-free country. Unemployment is at 4.8% – essentially full employment. 

The Cliff Notes on the economy I call home are:

Top three imports in 2009-10:

1) Travel ($19 billion – Go Oprah go!)

2) Passenger vehicles ($15 billion) 

3) Petroleum ($15 billion).

Top three exports in 2009 – 10:

1) Coal (to China! – $36 billion)

2) Iron ore (to China! – $35 billion)

3) Education ($19 billion).

We essentially make nothing! But we have tons of stuff to dig up and ship to China and we have really pretty beaches. You should all come down and see them. Over and over again. Just ask Oprah!


When a rockstar becomes a politician

Midnight Oil's Peter Garrett is no longer the lead singer of this iconic 80's band. He is now Australia's current Labor (Democrat) Environment Minister. The band is getting back together for a gig to raise money for the victims of the recent fires. Trouble is, some of his biggest hits aren't quite on (Labor Party ) message .

Take "US Forces":

Us forces give the nod, its a setback for your country
Bombs and trenches all in rows, bombs and threats still ask for more
Divided world the cia, who controls the issue
You leave us with no time to talk, you can write your assessment

Sing me songs of no denying, seems to me too many trying
Waiting for the next big thing

Will you know it when you see it, high risk children dogs of war
Now market movements call the shots, business deals in parking lots
Waiting for the meat of tomorrow

Sing me songs…

Everyone is too stoned to start emission
People too scared to go to prison
Were unable to make decision
Political party line dont cross that floor
Lt. ron hubbard cant save your life
Superboy takes a plutonium wife
In the shadow of ban the bomb we live

Sing me songs…


Yes, it is true…

Before you all ask me first thing Monday morning after watching Hugh Jackman sing and dance his way through the Oscars, it is fact, all 10 million Australian men can indeed sing show tunes and dance like Fred Astaire. (Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin were outliers). I have to go now and get ready for my matinee performance.